The good part is that I was able to figure out why I had that reaction, which (mostly) made it go away. If the question was my husband is forbidding it because of emergency X then we still have the same issue. But other things may be reasonable eg nightly call ins and letting husband know that she is not going to call or answer his calls during the day. Everyones mileage will vary of course, but thats the choice I made. Milkshakes there are ON POINT. Its you both versus these scenarios hes building, not you versus him and his mindset. No. I used to travel 3 weeks out of the month from Wed-Sun for work and often traveled by myself to large cities as well as smaller locations and never felt unsafe. (That started as a joke but I think I might actually be onto something, re: familiar vs unfamiliar crimes and the perceived danger of each.). Copyright 2007 - 2023 Ask A Manager. This is a bigger picture problem, and I hope you are able to work it out. This doesnt excuse the behavior either way, but I think could be something to specifically discuss with him in addition to the other suggestions people have here. Because my husband trusts me. Usually these things build up over time and abusive relationships (even if not intentionally abusive even if the partner really does have anxiety or whatever and is not TRYING to be controlling!) Youve never met them, but that doesnt mean that they dont exist. He needs to manage his insecurities and not force them all on you and your career. I worked 100 hours in 8 days. Hopefully hes open to counseling/therapy, but if hes not, and he instead doubles down on not letting you travel (regardless of destination), I do think you need to consider an exit strategy. For the OP, thats the problem here. My partner has some anxiety when I travel to remote, rural areas by car, especially when I am alone. Then the next day drive another five hours and spend the night in a hotel then the final day if we drove five hours we would be at the beach. Because were not one being known collectively as The Couple, were two individuals who just really like each other, but also respect each others autonomy. We look out for each other. I actually disagree. If your classes are in the evening then change your major. mmmmmmm..yeah. (As a sidenote: my mom has been able to do with with my dad a few times when her travel schedule gets crazy. This will make him feel valued and appreciated and more likely to want to spend time with you so you won't complain: "My husband never wants to do anything with me.". No, but I feel like almost every thread, somebody chimes in with an armchair anxiety diagnosis. I had to speak on a panel one afternoon and give a presentation the next morning, but the conference I spoke at was not for my industry so I had no connections or contacts there. Maybe OP married him? Thats not how this works!! Illegal prostitution happens in Vegas, to be sureas it happens pretty much everywhere in the country. Refusing to go on this trip is highly unlikely to save your marriage. Not for me. In cases with a controlling spouse, marriage counseling is not recommended. So I understand, at some level, where the husband is coming from when he thinks about these horrible things happening to his spouse. And we always get gorgeous hotel rooms for ridiculously cheap. We went off the beaten track and it was just like any other city. Flying might be easier. Well, yeah, it has a bad rep, that they intentionally, though jokingly, promote with the What happens in Vegas and Sin City marketing campaigns. That was one reason I had to STOP watching so much Law N Order / Criminal Minds / CSI / whatever. Can you tell mewhat todo?Maya. This is a relationship problem, not a work problem. Group Black's collective includes Essence, The Shade Room and Naturally Curly. Stay at Luxor for dirt cheap, or Mandalay Bay for the pool. Id say the chances are > 50% that this guy never asked anyone anything. Its not really a fun place to go for work. Kj will notice if you dont come home one night.. Either his friends are also super controlling and/or prone to irrational fears or he totally fabricated the story about asking if other people would let their wives go to Las Vegas for work. You cant leave the house, there are kidnappers everywhere! I wonder if he needs help with general anxiety rather than marriage counselling. The number of dudes who felt the need to tell me how unsafe my backpacking around Europe with my best friend was was pretty high. Sometimes, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas because it was incredibly boring, like three days of being in windowless conference rooms. Same. Is a 4 day trip to Vegas worth loosing a 10 yrs relationship. Ask questions like: Why didnt Iget invited? Then listen carefully asheanswers these questions and try not tointerrupt him orjump inwith your own thoughts onthe matter until hes finished explaining his reasoning, even ifitfeels like aneternity. Ifso, then wewould say that your husband has some personal issues that need toberesolved before hecan fully open and welcome you asapart ofhis family. Some couples like a lot of separate space between them, others dont. And his anxiety is HIS to manage, not hers. :D. Its doubly absurd because Tokyo is, I would wager, THE safest big metropolitan city in the world. OPs partners behavior is affecting her directly. The OP should do both. Never! I lived in that neighborhood for five years, and was perfectly safe. You won't have to look over, sideways, and under to find out when new Magic Key sales will be open again. Can everyone please stop armchair diagnosing? Honestly I have been to a few conferences in Vegas and I worked so much all I saw was the inside of a conference room or a hotel bed, into which I fell (alone) exhausted every night. 2005-2023Everyday Health, Inc., a Ziff Davis company. From the OPs subsequent posts, it sounds like they did agree with the husband, and that shes in an area where thats a more common approach. and I was gutted. That is the problem. If someone says they dont want to get married, theres probably a good reason in there. Couples counseling may be useful but controlling spouses are sometimes effective manipulators and in those situations couples counseling is a terrible idea. Regardless of how we got here, its a problem that we as a couple are facing because of how Im viewing things. It was BAD. That didnt make me feel better for the Letter Writer. Slot machines are boring, table games make me anxious, I dont like to lose money when I could shop with it instead. seriously. My colleagues travel all over the world, sometimes to places in great upheaval where they have to have military escorts. When I first moved to the city, my mom told me to never, ever go anywhere after dark. However, I have to stay in London for a couple of days next week, and he encouraged me to go he said he needs to learn to be more independent and self-reliant. It doesnt seem like he has much ability to manage his own emotionshes unloading them on you to manage insteadand thats a skill all adults should learn, I think. I dont know if this is a sexist response from jealousy?. Bookings are open for June, July, and August family vacations in 2023, with per person prices starting at $3,699. I suspect this has less to to with irrational fears of the big, bad world, and more to do with an outdated, sexist view of the man being in charge of his woman. This is OPs husbands issue, not hers. As it were. I live in a small country area where most woman are not in my position & usually give in to husbands demands whether or not it is ethical.Counsling is usually never seeked out. And there does seem to be a fair amount of misbehavior discussed, but I have never seen any of it. Actually, it would be easy for my husband to find someone who shares these views. Honestly the greatest threat to LWs safety is probably lung cancer from second-hand smoke in the casinos. Having just returned from an exhausting but informative 3-day event in Las Vegas let me assure you when youre at the conference center/hotels there is security up the wahzoo and those folks are awesome. I was /thisclose/ to emigrating to another continent at one point, tbh. Thats it. OP, I saw one of your responses saying your husband is otherwise kind. Is he anxious about everything, or just the fact that youre going to vegas? Answer (1 of 74): I can explain this with a story, which is below, but basically - you can't change someone else. Unless OP has a history of partying hard and getting black-out drunk (which doesnt seem to be the case), I think theres little to worry about here. But yeah, even then Im thinking more one-off or emergency situations at home, not I dont like that city!. I trusted him, he was fine. So I do think theres a chance this is just a Vegas thing. She is not the nicest mother in law, either. Last time I was in Vegas (similar situation) I ate at a few off-strip but highly-rated restaurants. Las Vegas is not my favorite place ever because I dont love big crowds or gambling, but its just a city. Say to yourself something like, I am not a therapist, and even if I were, it would be unethical and impossible for me to treat someone Im in a relationship with. Theres a lot of pressure on family to be carers and therapists and *everything* someone needs its not possible, its often harmful give yourself permission to skip that mess. Ive pretty much given up on trips for fun. Anger can feel like a reward I always feel more assertive and more in control when Im angry than when Im anxious (and theres a lot of overlap between anger and anxiety anyway, thanks to physical arousal and adrenaline). Could be true. After my husband and I boarded the plane, I began my ritual of praying . Well, it depends. travel to Las Vegas by themselves and with groups and for work and for play all the time and it is completely normal. And people are all I wouldnt let my wife go we have done bigger problems here. And plenty of men there without their wives. Dont get hit by a car!! If its cultural issues, OP may still benefit from help separating herself emotionally from the baggage her husband is carrying, and learning scripts to counter-act the stuff he has internalized, that is causing friction. At that time, she was eating about every 3-4 hours. his friends wouldnt let their wives go. This makes me MAD. And he needs to understand that his fears are his to manage, no matter where they are coming from. If the boundaries within a family are so entangled (by normative American standards), it really is an asset to the couple when their partner has the skills to navigate those extended relationships. (And yes, counseling 100%, do ASAP since whatever the underlying cause is, not likely to just disappear. Each year my entire family goes to the beach at the end gets a beach house where we stay for a week. I wish this would have been the first comment because it frames the issue perfectly. Me too!.which is probably why Im not married ;). Im not superstitious, so I was aware that it was completely bogus that my fears concentrated on that fact, but they nonetheless did. OP, no idea if my experience is relevant to you or not, but the relationships in which the possibility of me cheating (never in a million years) was raised were the ones in which HE was cheating. Not going on this trip will not save your marriage; I suspect this happens in other situations too or will in the future. Scheduled calls are a great idea. I think if OPs husband was acting reasonably, this would be a good solution. Or they have jobs that dont require business travel. Yeah, I saw that. We have now been married 5 years and this is a thing of the past. Worrying about cheating, sex, drugs, and rock n roll, is worrying about what I will do. Then we went to Hoover Dam on a tour. Can you believe it? even though this event is in Las Vegas, XCorp still expects its employees to hold themselves to our high standard of professionalism, My team goes to DC every year for a conference and I always tell them something like, The conference schedule is packed and unfortunately were not going to have any time for sightseeing or tourism. I stayed once at Palms Place, the long-term stay part of the Palms that is set up like studio apartments with full kitchens. Might I suggest Hotwire? Hee! These are normal things that a lot of people encounter at some point; if your relationship as it currently stands doesnt have room to address them, its past time to get some help to straighten it out. OP this is the kind of thing Id bring up in therapy what you will do and what you will NOT do. My husband would answer that question with Only if its inside. Almost every hotel on the strip has some sort of tourist attractions be it rides, shows, or other types of attractions and you can spend the entire day walking from hotel to hotel to see what they offer and have a great (and relatively cheap!) There are plenty of restaurants and even the pickiest co-workers can settle on a dinner location. Setting up for a convention and working it and then the take down. Sometimes your partner will say they support you in fleeing the nest, and they may want to support you with all their might, but are battling with feelings of their own.
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