My room is like the Bermuda triangle, stuff goes in and is never seen again. 71. When life closes a door, just open it again. My diet for today: 1% food, 99% Halloween candy. 254. 272. 276. can help you become successful in whatever you choose to do in life. 24. Positive affirmations are a longstanding practice for those of us who need a little extra daily encouragement, and the best part isthey're free and they're flexible! 181. 234. Once youve chosen one of our affirmations or devised your own, its time to put it into practice. Its not important to win, its important to make the other guy lose. 7. You might use humor as a coping mechanism. Get help beating negative thinking by reciting positive affirmation every day. Envelope. They planet. 1. Dont forget to check out our post onlove yourself quotesandvision board quotesto attract positivity in your life. I used to have winter fat but now I have spring rolls. Maybe Monday doesn't like you either. Its okay, he woke up. I will never let anyone treat me like a yellow starburst. 32. [click_to_tweet tweet="Things are getting better all the time" quote="Things are getting better all the time" theme="style4] Are these genes in your jeans or are you just happy to see me? Focus on the positives and be grateful. Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once. - F. Steven Wright, 252. A perfectly executed joke, said at a right time and at a right place, can change an awkward situation into a comfortable one. 218. Friends buy you food. What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant? 92. 88. How do astronomers organize a party? Henny Youngman Im not lazy, Im on power saving mode. Its a door, thats how they work. Bill Murray I did not trip and fall. I am intelligent. 268. 34. Im like a postage stamp. The chains on my mood swing just snapped. 267. 269. It will just flow naturally. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? There might be affiliate links on this page, which means we get a small commission of anything you buy. (John 14:27) 27. Why couldnt the leopard play hide and seek? To conclude this list of funny affirmations, heres a few that are specifically focused around work. 58. 47. 2. Finally, if you want a simple tool to record and recite these affirmations, then check out these 13 affirmations apps that help you create a positive mindset. To make time fly, throw your watch out the window. A quote to live by for when life gets bitter. Shoot for the moon. I love the moment when the coffee kicks in and I realize what an adorable badass I am going to be today., 12. 66. No matter how bad it gets Im always rich when I go to the dollar store. Its alright if you dont agree with me, I cant force you to be right. I am quite fascinating. Also read: 70+ Positive Affirmations For Teens From Parents. Bill Murray. If you see affirmations that say " I will, " " I used to, " or " I'm going to, " then this is NOT an affirmation. Ive been doing nothing for years. In between, I am alive. Whats the best thing about Switzerland? To anybody I hurt this year, I just wanna say you deserve it. Positive music, resilience, inner strength and a growth mindset lead to success!. Im multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time. 1. I am noticing that others are more drawn to me because I am funny. - Billie Burke. Yeah, so is a grenade. They make you change without hurting your self-esteem. 45. I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. I dont need anger management, you just need to stop making me angry. Pleasing everyone, thats impossible. IRS: Weve got what it takes to take what you have got. 2. 247. Today Im going to reach for the stars so that I can air out my armpits., 8. 134. And in that moment I swear I still didn't give a shit. Your eyes water when you yawn, because you miss your bed and it makes you sad. 1. Use them throughout the day whenever you experience negative thoughts. 13. 249. 276. A bargain is something you dont need at a price you cant resist. It equates "weight loss" with thoughts like: I can. - Kyle Chandler. Because if you can put a smile on your face with a little humor, I guarantee that youll feel some weight come off your shoulders.f. Im not running away from hard work, Im too lazy to run. Subscribe To Our Newsletter! Youll probably grin or laugh if you say these affirmations aloud, thinking youre crazy. 68. I radiate calmness and tranquility, with a little side of body odor. Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. I will not let my mind be a bully to my body. You definitely dont want to kill the vibe by throwing a bad joke out there! 270. I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot. 112. I hope you have a ridiculously amazing day. You cant have everything, where would you put it? 93. A wishbone. I am stepping out of my comfort zone, no matter how small the step. 15. No matter how bad it gets, Im always rich when I go to the dollar store. 239. Every time you are able to find some humor in a difficult situation, you win., 5. 212. 7. 26. - Donald Trump. Today I was a hero. 200. My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do. 141. Not only can laughter improve our problem-solving skills, but it can also help battle various diseases. You definitely dont want to kill the vibe by throwing a bad joke out there! He who laughs last didnt get it. I only check my voicemail to get rid of the annoying little icon. 236. A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have. The thing is, Im still getting ready. , we dont need our internal dialogue to pile on too. Why cant you trust an atom? I live in a loving, nurturing, safe, and beautiful world. What do I do for a living? The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Benjamin Franklin. Ben Hogan. My funny vibes attract my funny tribe., 3. I'm doing great. 229. Sometimes the M is silent. People only rain on my parade because they are jealous of my sun and tired of their shade., 14. 84. I will smile while I still have my teeth. When I was in high school I had two favorite subjects, lunch and recess. So with that being said, heres a list of funny affirmations to motivate you to come out of your comedic shell. 228. A bald spot is like a lie, the bigger it gets the harder it is to cover it up. You may feel a little embarrassed and vulnerable. If lying was a job some people would be billionaires. Why cry for someone when you can laugh next to someone else? A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand. The biggest critics of my books are the people who never read them. Ann Landers, 244. I dont need anger management, you just need to stop making me angry. I can create positive change in the world. 15. 132. Learn sign language, its very handy. 164. Henny Youngman, 246. 145. Whoever said great things come in small packages hasnt seen my big screen TV. Explore the latest videos from hashtags: #affirmations, #affirmation, #funnyaffirmation, #dailyaffirmations, #affirmationsoftheday, # . Waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn, hardest thing in the world. Infographic: Why Do People Swipe Right (or Left) on Tinder. 157. 122. My jokes do. Dont give up on your dreams so soon, sleep longer. Happy Birthday.". What is the tallest building in the entire world? 2. I hope you have a ridiculously amazing day. 219. 121. 4. A mind is like a parachute. What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Everyone brings happiness to this office. 118. I have no time to worry; I have to be awesome. 3. Chris Rock, 256. I am awesome. Then perhaps youd find value in these articles on how to write affirmations and the benefits of affirmations. Best friends eat your food. How do trees access the internet? My jokes do. "Today will be a great day". -Gandhi. Today, I laughed until my abs started hurting, so I can skip the gym. What we say not only affects our lives but also has an impact on those around us. 8. "May your yoga pants be stretchy, your coffee be strong and your Wednesday be short.". Then, think about how easy it would be to say a simple statement to yourself throughout the day. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I cant see. The rhythm of the weekend, with its birth, its planned gaieties, and its announced end, followed the rhythm of life and was a substitute for it. 53. Bill Murray, 251. The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. Oscar Wilde, 5. 19. grateful. Breasts dont have eyes. Forget the butterflies, I feel the entire zoo in my stomach when Im with you. If you were able to believe in Santa Claus for 8 -9 years, you can believe in yourself for at least 5 minutes. I have a healthy body, tranquil mind and a vibrant soul. 89. 34. Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once. 115. 149. As you walk down the fairway of life you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round. And their purpose certainly isn't to minimize hard feelings. I am at peace with my body and accept it as it is. 3. You were too lazy to read that number. Making everyone angry, piece of cake. 1. 269. It was created to do amazing things. 45. "My funny vibes attract my happy tribe.". Nothing, they just waved. I wonder, do we lazy people go to heaven or do they send someone to pick us up? We are going to be best friends forever, besides you already know too much. ( @malacollective) Fear and adventure go hand-in-hand when you're following your dreams. Be strong, I whispered to my WiFi signal. 128. Its okay if people dont like me. Can February march? I put my phone in airplane mode, but its not flying. Short Positive Affirmations set the pace for your day. This might be a work in progress, or you might need to remind yourself of how funny you actually are. It makes them so damned mad. Your email address will not be published. The chains on my mood swing just snapped. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldnt complain. I really should do something with my life, maybe tomorrow. Im going to stand outside, so if anybody asks for me, Im outstanding. Nobody is listening, but you still feel embarrassed. Every weekend I do what I love most, absolutely nothing. When I can laugh at myself, life becomes so much easier. Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you. I just wanted you to know that somebody cares. People wont be going to bed thinking about that one bad joke you made. One of the most important aspects of affirmations is how authentic they feel to you. I can always be fatter. If you have crazy friends you have everything youll ever need. I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle. Bill Gates. Im so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed. When the past comes knocking, dont answer. 152. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. 193. 145. Ive got three bones. Im not arguing, Im just telling you why youre wrong. Which affirmation put a smile on your face? Affirmations are a great way to change your mindset. I train my body. 140. "Age is of no importance unless you're a cheese.". You might enjoy: Affirmations: 13 Answers You Should Know. 203. My liver still works. 14. 248. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wifes mother. If Monday had a face, I would punch it. - TS Eliot. [click_to_tweet tweet=I can always think of something funny to say. quote=I can always think of something funny to say. theme=style4], 2023 Oldtown Publishing LLC 479 State Route 17 N God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. I will shine like fireworks on the Fourth of July. Today, I am thankful for this week. I wasnt mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if Im mad.. yes, Im mad! But you can always be immature. A person with a great sense of humor is also more likable. 37. 2. If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible? 135. I dont want to fix my spending habits. You can only be young once. 239. Im describing you. You may hear crickets when you try to tell a joke. 102. Nothing, they just waved. Socrates. How do you count cows? I like my thoughts how I like my whiskey, always glass half full. Whoever said great things come in small packages hasnt seen my big screen TV. Short people with an umbrella. With time, I have started to value more time. Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love. I am on a seafood diet. 48. 88. Enjoy! 99. 150. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. Its scary when it disappears. You can write them down and use them whenever youre attending a social event or if you simply just want to make yourself laugh. 154. Franklin Jones, 259. I am attractive just as I am. The biggest critics of my books are the people who never read them. Every day I am devoted to my passions and dreams. These little phrases can be said aloud or written down anywhere to remind yourself that everything will turn out okay. The world needs people like me to keep things interesting! Pat Sajak, 41. 87. You can stop driving me crazy, I can walk from here. 140. They log in. 6. I love my kids, which means I am doing just fine. My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do. health is important. 215. .People who enjoy making other people laugh are also known to be more detail oriented. My six pack is protected by a layer of fat. 275. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. 54. However, just saying these statements out loud wont cut it. 59. I tried, but they wanted cash. 138. 31. 6. Dont make me laugh, Im trying to be mad at you. How do you count cows? Albert Einstein 170. It may feel useless but just get into it. 185. Not saying I hate you, but if your face was on fire and I had a glass of water, Id drink it. I breathe in and out. Edward A. Murphy. 194. If Im not there, I go to work. Robert Orben, 4. 27. 135. Affirmations to wealth are a great way for you to organize your thoughts and develop a positive outlook. Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the journey. Heres a list of important things to consider: Choosing the perfect affirmation from our list isnt much different. If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible? You can tune a guitar, but you cant tuna fish. Every day is a gift, thats why they call it the present. So life is not always "All The Way Up", I guess. Remember: Dont Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river. Dont worry, the spider is smaller than you. A backbone. If you feel like todays not your day and the best thing would be to stay in bed, Ive got something that will cheer you up. You can think about your affirmations at work, while driving, when you practice yoga, and when you spend time with your . 154 Short, Positive Affirmations that are Easy to Remember. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. 207. We need to hear a pin drop. 211. The most important thing to remember when using positive affirmations is that it is all about how you feel. 192. If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blanket back to your side. Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. I have a new hairstyle today, its called I tried., 136. 165. 3. Because seven ate nine. 67. To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer. Im so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed. - Irish Saying. There's value in patting yourself (and your friends) on the back.Positive affirmations are statements that can help brighten your outlook on the world when you say them to yourself regularly or write them down in a journal.While affirmations are no substitute for professional help such as therapy when you're experiencing anxiety or depression, those who swear by the power of uplifting . Today I was a hero. I get up, dress up, and show up. 44. Take some time each day to go through these funny affirmations for self-esteem and see how your mood shifts in response. 1. Well, life isn't just about glitz and glamour nor rainbows and butterflies. 112. Yes, of course, I am athletic, I surf the Internet every day. 275. Please excuse me while I go check the plumbing. Maybe there are no excuses to be lazy, but Im still going to keep looking. Maybe there are no excuses to be lazy, but Im still going to keep looking. 102. I never apologize. 147. Loving yourself and believing in yourself is the first step in making these funny positive affirmations work for you. A perfectly executed joke, said at a right time and at a right place, can change an awkward situation into a comfortable one. See more ideas about sarcastic, funny quotes, funny. - Jack London. Steven Alexander Wright. - Unkmown. He who wakes up early, yawns all day long. With great power comes an even greater electricity bill. 169. The library, because it has so many stories. I'm having a staff meeting.". For beginners who still struggle with letting their voice out, I recommend starting with funny affirmations that will relax you and make you laugh. My feelings are just like acquaintances, they come and go. I'm amusing and people enjoy talking to me. Read the first word again. It doesnt work if it is not open. Smile today, tomorrow could be worse. Im old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway. Ive made it from the bed to the couch. You can make friends and have good relationships if you believe in your sense of humor and fill your mind with funny and positive thoughts. Declare your affirmations slowly and clearly. If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me. Yes, officer, I saw the speed limit, I just didnt see your car. So far, so good. I may stumble along the way, but I will get over it. If at first, you dont succeed, so much for skydiving. Why did the school kids eat their homework? 83. Putting up with others shit isnt on my To-Do list today. 38. Whats the difference between a guitar and a fish? Sometimes when I close my eyes, I cant see. 47. If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door. 209. 122. Bill Murray Start as soon as you wake up in the morning. Home: Where I can look ugly and not care. 146. 256. 230. Absorb these 41 positive quotes and positive affirmations and start feeling positive now! 16. I am grateful for the healing power of humor. Stressed spelled backwards is desserts. As an Amazon Associate we earn from qualifying purchases. 99. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? Its called tomorrow. If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut. He who wakes up early, yawns all day long. The world needs people like me to keep things interesting!, 15. Hello little voice inside my head, please just shut up., 14. Expect nothing and appreciate everything. Perhaps youre just starting to use affirmations and still cant take yourself seriously. Be yourself; everyone else is already taken. Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, theyll start using it. 205. 242. Relationships these days start by pressing LIKE on her photo. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. Whatever the case may be, these 15 affirmations will make you feel confident in your sense of humor: Once youre feeling happy and confident about your sense of humor, use these 35 affirmations to navigate challenging situations with a smile. - Christopher Reeve. My mom scolds me for no reason. Lily Tomlin The only relationship I have is with my Wifi. 232. I didnt fall, Im just spending some quality time with the floor. Sometimes the M is silent. I am the sunshine even when its gloomy outside. Affirmations can either be written down, spoken out loud, or visualized in the form of a conversation between money and you. Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die. 197. Papercut: A trees final moment of revenge. 8. Laughter can help you see the humor in otherwise grim situations. "Once you choose hope, anything's possible.". 43. Be careful when you follow the masses. 195. It doesn't make sense to dwell on things you can't do anything about. Ive collected 90 funniest affirmations from different sources on the web that will help you start a day in a positive manner. I will create my own magic like my name is J. K. Rowling. 3. Most of the articles that Ive written about affirmations are about more serious topics: Lets keep things a little lighter in this article shall we? 28. Plus, youre never gonna become funny and charismatic by being afraid to speak your mind. Its a door, thats how they work. 30. Im sorry, but thats just the way I am. You can also think of your affirmations while you work, drive, do yoga, or simply enjoy time with friends. Paul Ehrlich, 241. 8. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Marriage is like a walk in the park, Jurassic Park. My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them. So put on your favorite song, take a deep breath, and say these affirmations during your next tough time for some much-needed positivity! Edward A. Murphy 186. What do computers eat for a snack? 87. Your habits become your values. Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth., 9. If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldnt have a job if he was any smarter. John Gotti, 6. 234. Life is always easier with some humor, smiles, laughter and fun. Bill Murray, 257. Adventures in Dating: Memoirs of a Single Mom, Adventures in Dating: Memoirs of Midlife Relationships, Did you know that having a good sense of humor is very important when it comes to social interaction? Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. These funny ideas are smart and a bit sarcastic and will bring a smile to your face. 209. 97. Some when they enter, others when they leave. Youre not tequila., 5. 77. Be like a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet from the inside., 11. 25. You might undoubtedly relate with them, and yet you will not feel laid back because of your weaknesses. 228. People say you cant live without love, but I think oxygen is more important. This is the beauty of funny affirmations. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools. 27. 205. Gary Delaney, 248. "Change is not a four letter word but often your reaction to it is!". Since not all of us are blessed with the ability to throw a joke the right way, we thought of helping you out by giving you these ridiculously short funny quotes. If at first, you dont succeed, so much for skydiving. I am enough. I dont know how to act my age because Ive never been this old before. Stay focused and consistent, and youll start noticing the healing powers of humor and fun. 19. The only power you have is the word no. 23. Today is a great day. My feelings are just like acquaintances, they come and go., 5. 200. Today Im going to reach for the stars so that I can air out my armpits. At night, I cant fall asleep. Effective pushing often involves poop. happy. 22. Consider what you want to accomplish using these witty affirmations, and go for the ones that will bring you closer to that goal. Life is filled with highs and lows, stress and anxiety, so sometimes some funny and positive words will help you lighten up on an encouraging note. 61. 60. I solemnly swear that I am up to no good. 37. 160. 137. For the best seat in the house, youll have to move the dog. Whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me, so I can find my way back. Did you know that having a good sense of humor is very important when it comes to social interaction? 211. Repeat the affirmation as many times as you see fit. There comes a time when you have to stop crossing oceans for people who wouldnt even jump puddles for you., 13. I stick to things until I get to my destination., 12. 125. I am just making myself capable enough to live in the moment. 20. 226. Ill keep going forward even if my pants tear off. Franklin Jones Pardon me, I have 6 pounds of boneless mass to get rid of. 235. Life always offers you a second chance. And a funny bone., 10. Not a peli-cant. Dont forget to drink water and get some sun. Because it was soda pressing. 222. So with that being said, heres a list of funny affirmations. Im like a postage stamp. 134. If you think nobody cares if youre alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 5. 64. Hence, avoid using past or future tenses. Snowballs. We have divided these daily funny affirmations in these sections; Also check out our post ondaily affirmations for womenandaffirmations for menthat can help you to feel motivated and reshape your limiting beliefs. Im going to stand outside, so if anybody asks for me, Im outstanding. Hmmm, this text message is a little too harsh, Ill add LOL at the end. 272. 113. Live life to the fullest. Why did the school kids eat their homework? But a little chocolate now and then doesnt hurt. These 50 funny affirmations will help you feel better about yourself while keeping a wide smile on your face. I believed in Santa Claus for 10 years. 68. I didnt give you the finger, you earned it. 182. 62. 189. Theres no stopping me now. The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa. Youre born free, then youre taxed to death. Everyone wants to talk with me because I am very funny. 5. Not everyone has good taste. I can believe in myself for 5 minutes., 2. Jun 19, 2018 - Explore Jamie Hadland's board "funny/sarcastic affirmations" on Pinterest. Art doesnt transform. It gets toad away. Dear universe, I am totally open to all the amazing things coming my way. It has many of the same goals as affirmations, as theyre both associated with positivity and happiness. 186. 52. I deserve sugar, spice, and all things nice. "Start each day with a positive thought and a grateful heart.". Here are the 200 best sarcastic quotes, from funny comments, sayings, and phrases dripping with snarky sarcasm. 21. You may have people laugh at you instead of with you. 105. A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand. 265. All you need is love. Dont worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet. I am passing all the things and hardships with a smile. Be kinder with yourself and change your thoughts for better health (physically and emotionally). To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer. If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door. Some people are like clouds. Still, you need to embrace each of these surprises with same positive conviction and appreciation. Enjoy! Be yourself; everyone else is already taken. Think about all the things you're struggling with in your life. 9. Smile today, tomorrow could be worse. .People who enjoy making other people laugh are also known to be more detail oriented. I am way dumb than my mom keeps blabbering about me to the neighbors aunt. 24. 10. One thing you need to remember though; if you are going to be funny, then make sure youre actually funny. 9. 55. 261. Never test how deep the water is with both feet. 173. Stop playing with me., 6. Benjamin Franklin Im sure youve heard a lot about affirmations, what they do and why you should start using them daily. I can always think of something funny to say. I should have theme music every time I enter a room. I know the best time to make fun. People say you cant live without love, but I think oxygen is more important. Of course, I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice. I don't entertain negativity in any shape or form. Bill Murray, 258. Amidst all the stress, anxiety and worries, a smile can help you brighten your day.
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